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"All your ‘self sacrifice’ only pleases yourself! Have you ever saved anyone that way? All you want is to protect yourself! People who think so lightly of their own lives, DO NOT HAVE THE RIGHT TO PROTECT ANYONE!" - Elliot Nightray to Oz Vessalius
Just got into Jun Mochizuki’s Pandora Hearts recently and came across an intense moment in Volume 6, Chapter 26 (Episode 18 in the anime) that greatly reflected my mindset when it comes to not worrying about myself.
While being attacked by members of the Baskerville group, the main character, Oz Vessalius, was rescued by the heir to the Nightray throne, Elliot Nightray and his assistant, Leo. Oz complains that he didn’t need any help and Elliot goes on a tirade saying that Oz is a suicidal moron and that he selfishly acts tragic to get attention. Oz cries, but then thinks about the people in his life that are happy when they see him, and realizes that he has to fight for his own sake to be able to protect those he care about.
Has anyone ever wished they were a burden on others by simply existing? In my worst moments, I believed that no one would care that I died. Why should anyone care about a dork like me, you know? I often thought that “I’m nothing special”. There was a part of me that craved death. Like Oz, I would happily sacrifice my life so that someone else could live. I just didn’t want to be hurt by anyone or anything. These feelings happen when you get emotionally depressed. Not many people truly understand the emotional burdens that make someone suicidal.
To this day, I’m still fighting these feelings. It’s rough, but having a blog like this and being a content creator helps to ease the pain. No one is useless. Reality is harsh, but you can survive if you’re inspired by the “light” of those who love you. Seeing Oz catching a glimpse of the light that is Elliot after being energized just makes one smile and one believe that they can be someone.
Thank you so much, everyone (readers, friends, family, etc.), for continuing to remind me that I’m indeed not a burden. To those who feel they are one, it means that you’re human and there WILL be people that will love you for being human.
You know I will.